Yearly Archives: 2008

COMPLIMENTS FRIEND

Dear American:

I need to ask you to support an urgent secret business relationship with a transfer of funds of great magnitude.

I am Ministry of the Treasury of the Republic of America. My country has had crisis that has caused the need for large transfer of funds of 800 billion dollars US. If you would assist me in this transfer, it would be most profitable to you.

I am working with Mr. Phil Gram, lobbyist for UBS, who will be my replacement as Ministry of the Treasury in January. As a Senator, you may know him as the leader of the American banking deregulation movement in the 1990s. This transactin is 100% safe.

This is a matter of great urgency. We need a blank check. We need the funds as quickly as possible. We cannot directly transfer these funds in the names of our close friends because we are constantly under surveillance. My family lawyer advised me that I should look for a reliable and trustworthy person who will act as a next of kin so the funds can be transferred.

Please reply with all of your bank account, IRA and college fund account numbers and those of your children and grandchildren to wallstreetbailout@treasury.gov so that we may transfer your commission for this transaction. After I receive that information, I will respond with detailed information about safeguards that will be used to protect the funds.

Yours Faithfully Minister of Treasury Paulson

[from sources unknown, via John Tantalo]

Welcome, Haumea

The Solar System’s planetary roll call just got longer. From today’s Astronomy Picture of the Day:

One of the strangest objects in the outer Solar System was classified as a dwarf planet last week and given the name Haumea. This designation makes Haumea the fifth designated dwarf planet after Pluto, Ceres, Eris, and Makemake. Haumea’s smooth but oblong shape make it extremely unusual. Along one direction, Haumea is significantly longer than Pluto, while in another direction Haumea has an extent very similar to Pluto, while in the third direction is much smaller. Haumea’s orbit sometimes brings it closer to the Sun than Pluto, but usually Haumea is further away.

It may be just a dwarf planet, but I think it’s interesting enough to visit on the Grand Tour. Who knows what we might find on that (probably) icy planet and its two little moons?

please continue to refrain from invading Iran

Dear Sirs,

Pursuant to the recent findings of the International Atomic Energy Agency, I respectfully request that you continue to refrain from invading the sovereign nation of Iran. I quote from a recent analysis of the Iranian situation:

All materials and centrifuges are under Agency seal and surveillance and the Agency guarantees no diversion without their knowledge. With that in place, what we have is Iran proceeding with a peaceful program, one sanctioned by the UNSC but explicitly allowed by both the IAEA charter and the Non-Proliferation Treaty. It doesn’t matter that Iran could make enough enriched uranium to redirect into bomb production in two years – no matter how much the media is trying to imply otherwise – because they simply cannot do that without enough IAEA foreknowledge to enable preventative steps to be taken. Sanctions are therefore being applied because Iran is defying a UNSC resolution which is entirely based upon Iran abrogating the voluntary additional protocol it had previously agreed to.

I understand that the expected near-term availability of upwards of five percent of the American armed forces for new combat operations may encourage you to think in terms of new acquisitions. I further understand that Iran presents the most likely target of opportunity, and also that it has long been your dream to explore and conquer this foreign land. However, I implore you to reconsider this course of action, as it may be viewed as impropriety in world social circles given an utter lack of any justification verifiable by a third party for such an action.

Yours infrequently,
Chris Radcliff